Christmas Time

There seems to be a need to do some hard work to walk upstream over the Christmas season, the tide of materialism flows strong, family expectations - some good, some bad - push in on us, and on top of that everyone makes plans for end of year parties. Sometimes it feels like you are caught in the turning and tumbling of a rapid or maybe even a waterfall. Our conversation this month focussed on Christmas, and how we can be intentional about Jesus, and about weaving into the glorious, and not so glorious, craziness of the silly season, the values of social justice - compassion, generosity and the like.

So watch this space as I share with you some of our thoughts in a series of blog posts over the next couple of days. May it strengthen you to find your feet in the river, and walk up the stream, pursing Kingdom values in your family over the month of December.

And if you are on Facebook, make sure you join our Moms 4 Justice group where those of us who were at the meeting have committed ourselves to inspiring each other during the Advent Season. Each day one of us will post some reflective thoughts or verses that can help us all focus on the real meaning of Christmas, or inspire us to pursue social justice in this season of festivity, or something that we can say or do with our kids that will help them better understand Jesus and Christmas.

Follow this link to go to the facbook group of Moms4Justice

Our everyday interactions

It is good to catch a breath, and think back on how you have been travelling along the journey that you are on. That is what we did in our last Moms 4 Justice gathering. No agenda. Just time to reflect on how we were doing as moms grappling with rearing our children in a way that helps them catch the heart of social justice.

As we shared where we were at...a clear theme emerged. How do we engage with our domestic workers and nannies in a way that honours Jesus, and shows our children that they are valuable human beings. One shared how saddened she felt when she walks her nanny out to the gate to say good bye, and neighbours will greet her but not the nanny. It is almost as though they don't see the nanny, as if she is not really there. How does nanny feel about this? And what message is being shared to the children? It is so special when you go to someone's home and your hostess welcomes you and introduces you to the nanny/domestic worker as though they are an important part of the family. Recognising their value, not just viewing them as invisible hired help.

How do you build an authentic friendship with your nanny/domestic worker? This is not easy given the history of our country and also the way people of different racial groups view each other. Add to that the employer-employee dynamic where you have power in that you pay salary. But there is another  inequality in the relationship, that makes friendship a challenge - it is the fact that your domestic worker knows so much about you...what your home looks like when it is a mess, how you react with your kids in your most strained moments and more. And yet you know precious little about her, unless she chooses to share. There are many real challenges that may undermine our friendships with our workers.

Yet we know these friendship are possible. Whilst some in the group have grown up in households where the domestic was treated as a second-class person - with separate ablutions, given separate plates to eat off, and unjustly suspected of theft; some have fond memories of nannies who have become "part of the family". One mother shared how her son's nanny had helped to raise her when she was small. This nanny has been working for the family for years. She totally trusts her son's life to this lady, who she knows loves her son as her own. So much so that during a time of crisis earlier this year, when her nanny had to return to her own house urgently, this mother allowed the nanny to take her son with her to Gugulethu - fully trusting that the nanny would never let anything happen to her boy. And nothing did.  

So whilst we all acknowledged the hurdles, most of us expressed a real desire to pursue social justice in our engaging with our workers. I think we may need to discuss this again, looking at some practical steps to help us in crossing this cross-cultural and cross economic divide right here in our own homes.

On a similar theme, another mom mentioned how she is very conscious of how she engages with the car guards at shops. She recognises them as men who have made an effort to get up in the morning, and take responsibility for watching over other people's cars. She knows that they would most likely wish they were doing some other work. Given the unemployment rate, the chance of find work are so slim. They could have chosen to be involved in crime but here they are, wearing their uniforms, greeting people, helping with heavy parcels and clearing away the trolleys. The least we can do is to look them in the eye and thank them. Something feels very wrong as one watches people who leave the shop, and rather begrudgingly allow the car guard to push their trolly to their car, put the parcels in the boot - without acknowledging their existence, without greeting or thanking or sometimes without even looking at them. What are we teaching our children about other people if that is how we respond to those who are seemingly unimportant.

So social justice isn't only about breaking down the massive walls of racism, poverty and inequality or about only about challenging government policy or society's thinking - it is about our every day interactions with everyday people.

A Compassionate Society

A Compassionate Society - quote from Jean Vanier

What sort of society do we want? There are, for me, a few principles. A society that encourages us to break open the shell of selfishness and self-centredness contains the seeds of a society where people are honest, truthful, and loving. A society can function well only if those within are concerned, not only with their own needs or the needs of those who immediately surround them, but by the needs of all, that is to say, by the common good and the family of nations. Each one of us, I believe, is on a journey towards this openness where we risk to love.

Growth toward openness means dialogue, trusting in others, listening to them, particularly to those who say things we don't like to hear, speaking together about our mutual needs and how we might grow to new things. The birth of a good society comes when people start to trust each other, to share with each other, and to feel concerned for each other.

- Jean Vanier, Becoming Human, p. 34

Compassion

You often hear people saying, "oh children can be so cruel". I have seen evidence of this... watching kids tease each other, saying hurtful things, picking on eachothers weaknesses and then of course there is the whole world of bullying. Is this a given, is it something that we must just come to accept, that kids do and say cruel things? Or can we plant in their hearts a seed of compassion, can this seed be nurtured and watered so that one day our kids choose to stand up for those who are weak and for those who are different?

We started our session reflecting on an incident witnessed by a mother of a child with special needs. I have a little boy with a genetic syndrome and so enjoy reading blogs of others on the same journey. Click on this link to read a beautifully written account of how her little girl encounters two very different attitudes at a public swimming pool. Through the descriptive story-telling, it becomes clear that we as adults have a crucial role in shaping the attitudes of our children (and grandchildren) - especially when it comes to modelling compassion and acceptance of those who live, look, talk, walk, smell, sound or function differently to us.

This kick-started a discussion on how we can be intentional about planting those seeds of compassion..here are some thoughts that were shared, not in any order of importance - rather like seeds being scattered and falling randomly, each as important as the next, and each with the potential to grow into something significant. As usually we asked more questions than we found answers - we pray that God will help each of us to find our own unique way of living out the answers within our own families.

Children have the capacity to show compassion, they have the capacity to understand how others feel. This is rooted first in learning about feelings, their own feelings. We can help our children to do this by firstly developing a vocab to describe the various feelings, the positive ones and the negative ones. This can be done in fun ways, in games, in reading books about feelings. It can also be done in the moment of the feeling itself.

Knowing that children can feel deeply for other people, how do we not overwhelm them with the issues of social injustice, whilst at the same time exposing them to people who are different from themselves, who live different lives in different places and who face different challenges. We don't want to caccoon our kids from all the realities of the injust world. But how do we do so in a way that doesn't crush their spirits. One mom shared how eager her 5 year old was to give away all her clothes to a beggar who came to their door. Mom was not sure this man would be honourable, would he sell the clothes for alcohol. Should she be teaching her daughter to be suspicious of people's motives, or should she just let her daughter enjoy the fun of giving? How do we teach our children to be discerning so that they don't grow up to be gulliable and potentially a victim of crime, whilst at the same time nurturing this joyous response to helping someone else.

Developing compassion for another person is usually birthed in taking time to be with that person, to build friendship with that person. Often we first reach out to those who are weak or who need help out of a sense of knowing it is the right thing to do; or out of a sense of calling; and usually the tender feelings of compassion comes after as he have connected with this individual. How do we create that time in our lives with our children, knowing that time is finite - if we make time for this; we are saying no to something else in our lives. We so need God's guidance in how to manage our time, and to know what to prioritise in the various seasons of our lives.

Compassion is linked to understanding that being different is OK, and that we ourselves as different from some people and that is OK. How do our children learn about diversity and difference if we only expose them to people who are exactly the same as us in terms of race, economic background, and religion. Even choosing where we live and which schools we send our kids to is a decision that will affect their ability to nurture the seed of compassion.

Compassion starts small. In the home, for our siblings. In our neighbourhood, for the child next door. In our classrooms, for the child sitting next to me. Compassion is not only about recognising the massive social injustices in our country and responding with love and care and justice; it is also needed in our everyday places where people are hurting and feeling lonely or sad.

We turn our eyes to Jesus, who demonstrated compassion for his broken world, by coming alongside us in our places of pain and struggle, and who died on the cross to bring us new life. He will teach us and inspire us how to make our parenting compassion-full; and thus our children will also be compassion-full. 

Kids & generosity

A last thought on generosity before tomorrow night when we move on to our next topic.

It was only towards the end of our previous gathering that we managed to focus on how we inspire our children towards generosity. I was unfortunately called away from some of the discussion by my little one who needed some mother TLC, so I missed some of the sharing. 

However these three questions stick with me - and have prompted me to grapple with the issue on a deeper level than I would have otherwise.

Do I want the only picture that my children get from me regarding generosity to be one of me handing money through my car window to a beggar? In South Africa we cannot avoid the beggars who stand at most traffic lights, hoping for mercy. They certainly challenge our generosity and can be a wonderful opportunity for us to discuss giving with your children. Yet is this the only opportunity - one that is often a brief encounter, where there is the distance of being inside the car and the poor, the needy, the one without power being slightly removed from us. There is no relationship there, there is no chance for the giver to also receive. It is not a complete picture of generosity. So how can we as parents create opportunities for more fuller displays of generosity, where God's generosity to us is mirrored. No easy answers here, I am afraid, each of us needs to pursue this with God's guidance and grace.

I want to explore this journey of learning to be generous, and I want my kids to come along with me on that journey, but how do I help them understand fully, and how do I help them learn from my victories and not my less victorious moments? No quick answer here either. Just a cute story that highlights part of this question: One mom shared she is faced with many people who are begging and can't give to all of them, especially in this season where her finances are very tight. She is trying to ask God's to tell her which person He wants her to give to. Driving in the car, approaching a traffic light where she sees she will be asked, she says to her 4 year old daughter, "Lets ask Jesus if He wants us to give to this man". They both pray and listen for a prompting from the Holy Spirit. The daughter gives a certain reply God wants you to give to this man, and you must give paper money.

Is this God speaking through her daughter or is this just the words of a little girl who cannot yet fully understand the concept of money and of poverty?

I want to get to that stage where I give cheerfully and obediently when God prompts, even if the giving is sacrificial, but how do I balance that with the need to be a responsible parent who ensures my kids needs are met? Sacrificial giving is all about giving beyond one's ability, in faith that God will supply one's needs. This is more challenging when one considers that one might not have enough for the basics for one's child. Is having children a legitimate reason to not ever give sacrificially? Again each of us needs to look to God for His direction and guidance to work this out in each of our families.

Much that we need to work through - good thing that Jesus is the author and the perfecter of our faith...we can trust Him to show us how.

'Always Enough' by Rolland & Heidi Baker-Book Review

At Moms 4 Justice we were discussing the topic of generosity - our own and God’s, when I remembered a book I read in preparation for us moving to SA called ‘Always Enough’ by Rolland and Heidi Baker. This book was such a challenge to me that in fact I couldn’t finish it the first time I read it back in 2009. Each page is filled with miracles of God’s provision alongside overwhelming statistics relating to poverty. These became spiritual and physical challenges to me to take God out of the small box I had contained Him in and watch Him intervene in extreme situations.

Heidi and Rolland Baker set out to reach the poorest of people in Mozambique, to show them God’s love and to put the good news of the gospel to the test in a place where nothing else will do. At the time of writing the book, Mozambique had suffered years of civil war and the poverty was then compounded by overwhelming floods in many regions leaving thousands stranded and desperate. The Bakers’ wanted to put their years of theological training into practice and see whether God still uses miracles. The book focuses on their efforts to set up a children’s home and to provide for the forgotten children of Mozambique. They saw physically and emotionally abused children being restored and thriving because of God’s healing. They also went into refugee camps set up after the floods and provided aid where other international relief agencies couldn’t cope with the demand.

Some examples of amazing miracles they witnessed are: A pot of chilli offered to feed a family of 4, when prayed over, stretched to feeding over 100 people; No Mozambiquan they have ever invited to know Jesus has ever said no!; People were raised from the dead, sight restored to the blind and mobility restored to physically disabled people. The needs are extreme, and so the response is extreme!

One of the things that struck me was the claims that there’s ‘always enough’ and yet that didn’t mean they didn’t go hungry, or were always comfortable in what they were doing. There were times of hunger for the Bakers, their family and workers; Heidi wore the same 2 dresses only for 1 whole year; the family contracted diseases that they came into contact with; Heidi suffered break downs and an auto-immune disease…and yet they still say that because Christ died for us, ‘there’s always enough’. This really challenged my sense of what I consider to be enough…I always want to be comfortable, well fed and healthy!

I had noticed a trend in my relationship with God whereby I’d say I trust Him for provision, then I’d calmly go along believing that until the eleventh hour approached on whatever it is I was seeking provision for. As the deadline approached I’d start to inwardly panic, knowing that I should just trust God. Then He always came through, and I’d be left with a sense of relief…left emotionally exhausted, extremely grateful, and quick to remind myself that of course I trusted Him all along, and never doubted!! This book reminds me that God is our supreme provider and He is wholly trustworthy.

As you read this, be prepared to be inspired, challenged and changed. The phrase ‘always enough’ is so applicable to the situations of our lives today.

Generosity Stew

Our sharing time this month was like one of those tasty winter stews, where every mouthful brings a different flavour. I am sure that I was not able to note all the brilliant perspectives, points and ponderings that were shared – but here are a few tasty morsels to get you chewing on this whole generosity thing:  

Giving is about responding to God’s call to give and not stressing too much about the outcome of the giving. That’s God’s concern. Our concern is that we are obedient to the His voice when He asks us to give.

God is generous and He does provide, but one must guard against seeing His provision as a sign of His goodness. God is good regardless of whether there has been provision or not. If there has been a lack of a sign of provision it doesn’t mean that He is less good.

As we have to learn to give, we also have to learn to receive generosity from others. To receive it with an open heart, and not feel that one is now indebted to that person and that one now has to perform. Rather, just as the giver has to keep her eyes on Jesus and not stress about the outcome of the gift, so the receiver has to keep her eyes on Jesus too – and respond to His directing rather than feel she owes the giver.

Generosity is not just about giving money – I can be generous with who I am

I can be generous in the way that I talk to people, in my conversations
I can be generous in focussing on the issue and not the person in times of conflict
I can be generous by not holding grudges against people
I can be generous by thinking the best about other people’s intentions and motives
I can be generous by respecting the dignity of each person, including the beggar at the traffic lights - I can look the beggar in the eye and greet him or her, even when I don't feel right about giving money
I can be generous with my time

One mom shared she had a longing to see God’s miraculous provision – inspired by the book Always Enough (a book review to be posted soon)  - and yet recognises that in order to allow God to move in the miraculous, she needs to be in a place of complete desperation. This is hard. She and her husband are trusting God for finances and so have experienced being totally dependent on God. She shared about the cycle of being in need, trusting God for provision, then a rising sense of panic as the deadline approaches, and the relief and joy of the 11^th hour provision.

Someone wondered why God’s provision was often at the 11^th hour, another wondered if it was because we so often give at the 11^th hour having um-ed and ah-ed as to whether we should give or not.

A lady who did not seem to grapple with the cycle of trust/panic/relief was Corrie ten Boom. She knew Jesus well enough to trust him even into the 11^th hour. Another book review will elaborate on this and hopefully inspire us to do the same.

Giving out of guilt, manipulation or coercion is not generosity. God loves a cheerful giver (2 orinthians 9: 7). If you don't feel you can give cheerfully, then maybe you shouldn't be giving, or you need some Holy Spirit work on your heart?

Generosity is totally enhanced when giving is done in the context of relationship.  

Would love to hear your thoughts on generosity…